Choices Aren't Painless
by mizzybizzy
Summary: Edward POV from end of Eclipse starting when Bella is talking to Jacob.


A/N: I was inspired to write this while listening to "What If" by Coldplay.

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I stood in my room, looking out the window, waiting.

"I don't know what decision she is going to make, Edward," Alice had said. "Not for sure… but I know she loves you. I don't need a vision to know that."

I trusted Alice, she was usually right.

Key word: usually.

I remembered Jacob's memories, her relief when she found out he was alive. She loved him, too.

What if she _did _choose him?

What if she didn't want me by her side anymore?

What if she didn't want me anymore?

What was I going to do?

How was I going to live?

I knew she was there, talking to Jacob now. He would be the first to know.

But she had agreed to marry me… right? Or had she changed her mind? People change their minds on things like this all the time.

I saw the memory of her kissing Jacob, of her _groveling _for him to stay alive. I forced the thought away.

I wanted to know. I _had _to know.

I clenched my fists. This was all my fault. I had pushed her away, and because of it I was about to lose her to another. She had been forced to find someone to heal her, and that someone loved her almost as much as I did, cared for her almost as much as I did.

Could protect her just as well as I could.

Could give her so much more than I could.

Images of half-Quileute children ran through my mind. A little girl with Bella's chocolate hair and eyes…

I took a deep shaky breath. I could _never _give that to her.

Jacob could give her that. A family. A decent husband. Someone she could grow up with, and yet give her all the supernatural protection she needed.

Except…

If he imprinted…

It would break her heart… and I would be waiting in the wings… I would return the favor… give Bella exactly what Jacob and given her.

A haven.

Healing.

If Bella chose Jacob, I could do that for her.

I sank to the bed I had gotten for her, and continued to stare out the window. I owed Jacob much for what he had done to Bella… but if this was the cost… I owed too much.

Ever since Bella had come into my life, my whole world evolved around her. She held me here on this earth. If she wasn't here, there was no way I could be. In a way, she was _m_y imprint… even though that wasn't a trait among vampires. She had changed me, and any change that happens to a vampire is permanent. I would never be the same again, whether Bella stayed with me or not. I would always love her for the rest of her life, which was the length of my existence now.

"Edward?"

I looked up. Alice stood in the doorway.

"She's made a decision. She needs you." Instantly I saw Alice's memory of her vision. My Bella curled up on the seat of her truck, sobbing.

"She chose you," Alice whispered. She walked up to me and hugged me.

I let a small bit of joy course through me, but not much. Seeing Bella in such pain forbade me joy.

"Go to her," said Alice when she pulled away.

I was out the door in an eighth of a second.

I focused on the Alice's vision memory to find her. She was on the side of the road, somewhere between Forks and La Push. I found the road and kept running, sticking to the forest so as not to attract attention by my superhuman speed.

I had always been the fastest runner in the family, but at that moment I might as well have been the slowest. It felt like the forest stretched on in front of me, lengthening the distance between me and my reason for existing.

I pushed my legs faster and took longer strides.

Soon, I found her truck, heard her sobs, smelled her scent. I opened the passenger door and immediately took her into my arms. I didn't say anything, ask anything. I doubted that she could form a coherent answer anyway.

I didn't hush her. I made no noise whatsoever. I didn't even tell her that I loved her. I just held her. I stroked her hair, kissed her cheek, pressed her face to my shirt.

She clung to me like a lifeline, gasping in her emotional pain.

It was like someone was trying to tear something out of her.

_She _had torn something out of herself.

I wasn't sure how long we there. I didn't care. All thought centered on my Bella.

"Ch-Char-Char-harl-lie—" she blubbered out between sobs. "H-h-h-he—"

"What, love?" I whispered.

"I-I-I… n-nneed t-t-to." She gulped. "Ch-Char-har—"

"You want me to take you home?"

She just nodded, and the sobs broke out in earnest again. I held her face to my shirt and rocked her, waiting for the sobs to subside. I kissed her forehead.

It took several minutes, but eventually her hysteria calmed down enough for me to reposition her and myself so that I could drive. I wrapped my arm around her and held her to me. She buried her face into my chest.

Was this what it had been like when I had left?

I didn't want to know the answer, I just drove.

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Comments? PLEASE!!!! I'm getting story alerts and favorite story but no comments... and it's making me sad.

There's 1-2 more chapters left. Eclipse is on loan at the moment.... so this might not be updated for a while. =(


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